Friday, September 15, 2006

Is wanking wrong?

Certainly the nuns at my Primary School would have said so. And the Catholic Church definitely considered onanism to be a grievous sin, although it wasn't one I could ever bring myself to admit to at Confession (assuming that I did indeed indulge in this hideous practice). If I had done it (and I'm nor saying I did) I would have felt felt too guilty and embarrassed to own up to the priest on the other side of the grill. Even at that age I instinctively knew that bashing one's bishop could never be right. Although on the wickedness scale of original sin I guess a lot depends on the context. If you're married and you have a wank I don't suppose that's any better than committing infidelity. Or rather worse.

Or maybe indulging in the solitary pleasures is a victimless crime. Like insurance fraud. Except that isn't really victimless and somebody has to pay in the end (believe me - I've just had a quote for my house contents insurance - ouch).

On the other hand a friend of mine who was a keen masturbator used to defend the practice on the grounds that "You meet a better class of woman in your dreams."

It's not a subject you often hear debated dinner parties. I don't know why. Maybe because it's a solitary pursuit, spending hours alone in your room, fantasizing over something unobtainable.

A bit like blogging in fact. Except that blogging doesn't make you blind. Or deaf.

What? What was that? Speak up! For fuckss' sake's'. Jesus, where did I put the fucking keyboard?

At the end of the day whether it's right or wrong doesn't really matter. Just don't do it. Like taking drugs. A bit of self restraint. Come on guys, is that too much to ask? I bet women don't indulge in self-abuse. I can't believe they do. That really would shatter all my illusions. And without illusions onanism itself would simply die. Then there would be nothing left but blogging.

And what a terrible world that would be.


  1. Onanism, self-abuse, female masturbation?! Now we're talking. This is better than Sade. You are now at risk of becoming an underground, cult figure. Everyone will soon be visiting your site, then fame, then fortune, then a book contract, then the Letterman Show, then twenty year old buxom, blonde bombshells (who have no idea what onanism is, and only know how to say, Yes), then a nasty scandalous divorce, then more nubile nymphs, then alcoholism, then drugs, then a slow decline, while simultaneously churning out bestsellers; finally, retirement in Cannes with your soul-mate, a twenty-three year old version of Anna Nicole Smith, who is aiding you as you shed the dreaded sin-skin of onanism. I LIKE it!

    I'm quite serious, Pundy. Your blog is one of the best around. You're my hero!

  2. I can hear voices, is anyone here?

  3. The practice was officially recommended by the US National Institutes of Health as part of the AIDS strategy in the 1980s (or thereabouts). We had fun with this on Nature at the time. But think about it, as a public health message it makes a lot of sense-- more than preaching abstinence anyway.

  4. Anonymous1:53 pm

    Probably best you stopped now Pund. You've been at it two weeks and that's enough self abuse for anyone. Come back, and tell us what you're doing (with your book).

  5. Beware of repetitive stress injury. That's my motto...