I've been waiting a long time (59 years) for someone to interview me and now it's finally happened. Here's the result, exactly as it happened:
Me: Mr Pundy, when did you first start blogging and why?
Pundy: You're the first person to ask me that question. I guess because I wanted to publicise my unpublished online novel A Half Life of One and become a famous and widely-admired writer.
Me: Did it work out that way?
Pundy: Not entirely. I never became famous. Or widely admired. Apart from that, and the lack of readers, yeah it worked out pretty well.
Me: Tell me about your early life. Did you have a difficult childhood? Is that what made you become a writer?
Pundy: Well, I was younger then. For a while at least. Then I grew older right up until the age I am now. As I got older shit happened - a lot of shit - and I wanted to tell the world about it. Hence the novels. I wrote a load of shit.
Me: Do you think humour is important and how does it manifest itself in your novels?
Pundy: I used to have a great sense of humour until life started getting me down, about fifteen years ago, but even then a lot of people remarked that it was tinged with a wistful, almost sardonic edge. Now I'm mostly just bitter. All this shit isn't so funny anymore.
Me: And in your novels?
Pundy: Fuck, haven't you done any research at all? Positively not. Those books are unremittingly bleak, downbeat, almost suicidal.
Me: A lot of people talk about it but have you ever considered suicide yourself?
Pundy: Sure, hundreds of times. I'm considering it right now with all these stupid questions an' all. Life is just a sick joke anyway. Get it over with.
Me: So why haven't you done it?
Pundy: I can't afford to until the mortgage is paid off. That's got three years to go.
Me: And then?
Pundy: Sayonara, baby.
Me: Is that Chinese?
Pundy: Korean, I think.
Me: So in your books you take a long hard look at the human condition in all its manifest guises?
Pundy: I don't give a fuck about the human condition. The books are about me and what a rough deal I've had.
Me: How would you describe the creative process as it applies to you?
Pundy (scratches his ear thoughtfully): I'm not sure the creative process does apply to me. I just sit here at the keyboard and prod away. Mostly it's just crap that comes out.
Me: Do you re-write much?
Pundy: Sure. About seven times. But it's still just crap.
Me: More elegant crap surely?
Pundy: No. Shorter crap, usually. More concentrated crap. Crappier crap.
Me: As you look back on a long and largely unfulfilled life do you have any regrets?
Pundy (glaring): You shitting me?
Me: If you had your time again what would you have done differently?
Me: Thank you, Mr Pundy, that was a fascinating interview. I'll turn off this tape recorder for now and then we'll resume the interview tomorrow when we'll talk about your influence upon the blogosphere.
Pundy: 'Scuse me? You sure you got the right person here?