Boner Fide Euphemisms

Over on the excellent Paperback Writer there was a complaint recently about the overuse of the euphemism "pole in the pants" for the penis, and how boring and cliched it has become. In the interest of better writing it seems a new euphemism for the male member is required.

This is the sort of challenge to which I normally rise. However, I fear that on this occasion I have been beaten to the punch by a website called Woody's World of Penis Euphemisms.

All the usually variants on boner are there, and more. Common nouns such as wiener, stiffy, tadger and pecker are all listed. Cock, obviously, is right in there. In fact, I couldn't think of a single synonym for the male member which wasn't listed, although that may be more due to my sheltered upbringing than to Woody's encyclopedic knowledge of all things penile.

Matters become more interesting when we come to the actual synonymic phrases that appear to be in widespread use. One-eyed trouser snake is one I have heard frequently, indeed I believe it is my wife's personal favourite. Love muscle is another which when I first heard it back in the seventies made me feel slightly nauseous. I am sure we are all familiar with, and have used, the expression Vlad The Impaler. However, Winky the milk spitting tunnel ferret is definitely a new one on me. The expression seems a trifle cumbersome and I can't really see it slipping into everyday usage. Twelve Inch Train of Pain likewise seems a tad optimistic and may be discounted on those grounds. The Heat Seeking Moisture Missile I felt was rather too graphic for comfort as well as lacking a certain romance perhaps and therefore wouldn't snake its way too frequently into polite conversation in the drawing room.

The one that really made me laugh however was the wildly inappropriate Pope John Pole III.

All of which, I suppose, begs the question: what do you call yours?