Friday, November 10, 2006

From penile to senile

The story of my life is mostly of a journey from penile dementia to senile dementia. Which is a pity, really, since I don't like writing about sex.

It's not just the gloopy bits I don't like describing, although as I get older and more fastidious that has become an issue. Hm. Issue's not exactly the right word in this context, is it. Shades of D H Lawrence and loins and all that. Just what I'm trying to avoid in fact.

No, the bit I'm not comfortable with is the mechanical side of sex. You know. Ten minutes earlier you laboriously hauled yourself on top and now your knees hurt and you've burned your elbows on the sheets. Being a gentleman you're trying not to fart out loud in case it destroys the romance of the occasion, even though it's hard to concentrate because you're feeling distinctly peckish and trying vainly to remember what's for dinner.

Meanwhile, as you grind away, the sweat dripping from your brow, your wife (or somebody's wife anyway) lies below you, staring eyelessly upwards, her face wreathed in a rictus smile like weathered concrete, snoring gently.

Maybe it's me. But I just can't write about such a scene as if it's the equivalent to being transported to Heaven while listening to Beethoven's Fifth. For me it's more Barry Manilow after a Chinese meal. Him being the one who's had the meal.

I guess I'll just have to draw a discreet veil over my sex life then, much like the Victorians did covering up the legs of their pianos.

Fuck knows what that's going to leave me to write about though. Not that you care. It's not your problem, is it.


  1. Some months back I read a great blog post about this topic. It said, in essence, that unless one is writing erotica, a sex scene is like any other scene-- go as far as you need to go in order to further your plot/character development, and no farther.

    Having a sex scene just for the sake of having a sex scene makes about as much sense as writing any other scene just because you can. Don't do it. Unless a revelation is taking place behind that door and it is critical to the plot, let your characters have a little fun without looking over their shoulders all the time.

    I no blog post, but I'll look for it again when I have a little more time. It was very good.

  2. Hi Pundy,
    Thank you so much for dropping by. And I hope you'll visit again.
    What wonderful sardonic humour! If you see some of the writing I do, you'll understand. There's lots of inspiration to be had here. Indeed! Indeed!
    I cannot not link you up - you'd be a fantastic reference library.
    with gratitude,

  3. Anonymous6:00 pm

    My goodness, you obviously have a talent for setting a scene Pundy,I am stirred! Have you thought about writing romance?

  4. Hi Susan, no problem. I've put up a link to you as well.

  5. I was okay until you mentioned Barry Manilow.

  6. Anonymous4:10 am

    Hey,nice blog!!! I found a place where you can make an extra $800 or more a month. I do it part time and make a lot more than that. It is definitely worth a visit! You can do it in your spare time and make good cash. Make Extra Cash

  7. Thanks for dropping by...I'd say come again *snort*, but I don't know what kind of visual that would create...LOL

    Looks like a spammer found you....Turn on your word verification...LOL!

  8. Geez Bill you are costing me a lot of keyboards! Money well spent I might add:)

  9. Hi Anonymous

    Thanks for the tip. I really need the money right now - at the moment this site is free - and it's come at just the right time. Maybe this year we WILL have turkey for Christmas. People like you restore my faith in human nature. Thanks again.

    PS Glad you like the blog too - that's why I do it, my way of paying back generous, kind-hearted people like you.

  10. Hi Bonnie, nice to see you here. The spammers left me alone for a while but now I see they're back. I'll take your advice and turn on the verification.

  11. I'm boggling, Steve. What are you doing with your keyboards when you're reading this blog? Not banging your head off them in despair I hope.

  12. Anonymous10:48 am

    When I was 20, I thought people stopped having sex at 30. Now I'm just pleased we're still allowed! So stop worrying about farting and enjoy the fact that it's one avenue of pleasure still open to you.......

    After all farting's as natural as having sex
    it made me laugh - as have all your posts since you "gave up"

  13. Well, I adore writing sex scenes - they take so much more craft.

  14. Hi confuscious. I'm sorry to say that several things worry me about your Comment.

    First off, I've visited your blog on several occasions. The idea that we might share the same sense of humour I find somehow troubling.

    Secondly, these posts were not meant to be funny.

    Thirdly, I, er, damn...I've forgotten what thirdly was but believe me it was PRETTY SERIOUS.

  15. Hi lee, yes, more craft and, in my case, more imagination.

    Actually, it's a good point. Next novel I'll pick up the challenge and write some proper sex scenes.

    John Baker - who's blog just gets better and better - has a clever post on writing about sex which is worth a look.

  16. Anonymous6:17 pm

    I know what you mean.....I trouble myself much of the time.........

  17. Confuscious, no, don't trouble yourself. Things aren't as bad as you think they are. At least I hope they aren't. If they are, you're in trouble.

    Look on the bright side. When things ARE this bad - and they are -then things can only get better.

    And if they don't we're all fucked.

  18. The harvests of Arretium,
    This year, old men shall reap.
    This year, young boys in Umbro
    Shall plunge the struggling sheep;
    And in the vats of Luna,
    This year, the must shall foam
    Round the white feet of laughing girls
    Whose sires have marched to Rome.

    --Macaulay, "Lays of Ancient Rome"

    May as well draw the veil over the world itself, no? Where else is our humanity so clearly revealed as in the torments of desire unfulfilled, or the far more exquisite torments of desire gratified?

    Writer, to thy last.

  19. True, John, true. It's even worse for the sheep.