Okay, having suffered an humiliating reverse (someone even shoved a dead sheep through my e-mail) in my attempt to retire from active blogging I've decided I might as well apply some scientific/actuarial principles and try and work out how long this blog is actually going to last. Or to put it another way, how long a sentence I've got to serve now I know I'm not even going to be eligible for parole.
We're doing this for humanitarian reasons remember. I must have some hope of release otherwise I'll die very quickly of despair and that won't do either of us much good.
Right, given that this blog is entirely about me and my ego the maximum lenth of time it can last is 58 years, given that that is my age.
From the maximum term we must deduct the following:
The time I've already spent blogging about myself - 1 year.
The first three years of my life before my memory developed.
The eighties, during which nothing of any interest happened to me.
1967-69 when I was so pissed I've forgotten it all.
That three months when I worked in Germany as a student which I would get locked up for if anyone found out about what I got up to.
The time I've been asleep - about 19 years.
The time I've spent having sex when I'm not going to tell you who or what I've been thinking about - about two years
Ditto for wanking - about five years
The time I spent in education when my mind was mostly a blank - about 17 years
Ditto the time I've spent in management meetings - seven years
The time I've spent on housework - about three weeks
The time I've spent fishing - about three years
The time I've spent lusting after other women - no, forget that one. I will tell you all about that.
The bits I compress for dramatic effect - say three years
The bits I embellish for humorous effect - add back in ten years
The lying bits - add back in seven years
Holidays - add back one year
Sickness (am I allowed to be sick?) if yes, subtract five months
Lack of proper editing leading to long, convoluted and possibly even ungrammatical prose that takes three times as long to say something that could equally well be expressed in a short, pithy phrase - say five years
So what does that leave? Some of these things are concurrent of course (just like a real prison sentence) but by my calculations I make it I've got four years to play with.
Four more years of this. Geez, and you wonder why I get depressed.
I'm glad to hear that peer pressure and the sheep in your e-mail have brought you around to your senses. Yea! Now I have something interesting to read for at least four more years. And who knows, another dead sheep, and we're off again. Coercion is a wonderful thing!
ReplyDeleteWell done Bill - onward and upward
ReplyDeleteI think that I am pleased, in a vague kind of way, to hear that you have been wanking longer than you have been fishing. At least nothing dies when you are indulging in the latter. Not yet anyway.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't think that dying from self abuse will be a good enough excuse to get you out of blogging - we will post pictures of the inevitable epitaph!
minx, I'm sorry but there are a number of inaccuracies in your Comment which I feel obliged to correct. First off, I was taught by the nuns to believe that every time you wank a million babies die. I am therefore a mass murderer. No wonder I get depressed.
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, if you could die from self abuse I would have been dead long ago. Finally, I don't know why it's called self-abuse anyway. For me it's an attempt to find my inner self; the real me; it's a spiritual thing. It should be called self-improvement. A bit like home improvement, which is what you do when you go to a do-it-yourself store.
Isn't there a flaw in your argument, Pundy?
ReplyDelete"given that this blog is entirely about me and my ego the maximum lenth of time it can last is 58 years, given that that is my age."
That's a bit retro, isn't it? The maximum length of time it can last is the length of time until you drop dead, surely? Not your present age, that is the time the blog "has lasted"?
And if my experience is anything to go by, admittedly not comprehensive, the male of our species is certainly going to see everything as about "me and my ego" from the date of birth to the call to judgement?
Oh Pund, you have been labouring under false information all these years. The Nuns were no doubt wrong about this as well.
ReplyDeleteIt is not D.I.Y that you seek to feed the inner spiritual self, duh! It is Y.D.I - You-Do-It!
Good point, Maxine! It's future not past we're dealing with ... He reckons if he blinds us with science we'll just go all acquiescent.
ReplyDeleteAcquiescent? Nous? I don't think so ...
Oh and congrats and respect to whoever sent that sheep ...
Now, about that party ...
Maxine, technically you're right of course, being an eminent scientist and all that. But I don't expect to live much longer with all the strain that comes from writing this blog. My readers are killing me, just like I killed all them babies. However, if it makes you happy (and of course that's the real reason I write this blog) then I'll add another couple of months to my sentence. See, it's even worse than prison. Here you get time ADDED for good behaviour.
ReplyDeletedebi, we bloggers are an honourable lot and some of us have taken the vow of omerta. So I can't tell you who sent me the dead sheep.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'll give you a clue. His initials are JTA and he lives in Virginia.
Is the one year of blogging about yourself included in the five years of wanking? Just curious.
ReplyDelete-blue
Hi Beau. No, Beau. As far as I can remember they are discrete periods of my life. Unfortunately, if you blog excessively (or wank for that matter) it affects your memory. So I can't be sure. Fortunately, neither can you.
ReplyDeleteEr, this dead sheep.
ReplyDeleteYou gonna use it?
Sorry Pundy - you've started a new contract - minimum term is 5 years.
ReplyDeleteHowever, there is no fixed term for how long you can continue wanking....
thankfully
Thankfully for you that is....I of course, have no stake in your wanking time..........
ReplyDeleteHey jta - got any more of them there sheep? Looks like there could be a market ...
ReplyDelete