Okay, having suffered an humiliating reverse (someone even shoved a dead sheep through my e-mail) in my attempt to retire from active blogging I've decided I might as well apply some scientific/actuarial principles and try and work out how long this blog is actually going to last. Or to put it another way, how long a sentence I've got to serve now I know I'm not even going to be eligible for parole.
We're doing this for humanitarian reasons remember. I must have some hope of release otherwise I'll die very quickly of despair and that won't do either of us much good.
Right, given that this blog is entirely about me and my ego the maximum lenth of time it can last is 58 years, given that that is my age.
From the maximum term we must deduct the following:
The time I've already spent blogging about myself - 1 year.
The first three years of my life before my memory developed.
The eighties, during which nothing of any interest happened to me.
1967-69 when I was so pissed I've forgotten it all.
That three months when I worked in Germany as a student which I would get locked up for if anyone found out about what I got up to.
The time I've been asleep - about 19 years.
The time I've spent having sex when I'm not going to tell you who or what I've been thinking about - about two years
Ditto for wanking - about five years
The time I spent in education when my mind was mostly a blank - about 17 years
Ditto the time I've spent in management meetings - seven years
The time I've spent on housework - about three weeks
The time I've spent fishing - about three years
The time I've spent lusting after other women - no, forget that one. I will tell you all about that.
The bits I compress for dramatic effect - say three years
The bits I embellish for humorous effect - add back in ten years
The lying bits - add back in seven years
Holidays - add back one year
Sickness (am I allowed to be sick?) if yes, subtract five months
Lack of proper editing leading to long, convoluted and possibly even ungrammatical prose that takes three times as long to say something that could equally well be expressed in a short, pithy phrase - say five years
So what does that leave? Some of these things are concurrent of course (just like a real prison sentence) but by my calculations I make it I've got four years to play with.
Four more years of this. Geez, and you wonder why I get depressed.