Saturday, November 18, 2006

The road to hell...

is paved with good intentions.

I sat down yesterday morning at the keyboard with the firm intention of writing a nice, upbeat post that would cheer everybody up. But somehow events conspired to thwart me. First off I made the mistake of having a quick look round the blogosphere to see what was happening. I went here to Matt's blog and what I read so shocked me that I was stunned into immobility. Matt writes in the most graphic way about a film I know I should see but I doubt if I could ever pluck up the courage to do so. Read his report and make up your own mind.

Later that morning I had to go into town to see my accountant. Two hours with him and the creative flame was completely extinguished. Creative accounting definitely isn't his thing.

No sooner did I arrive back home in the afternoon than I received a special delivery - the replacement Detergent Dispenser arrived. Now, normally I'm a Luddite when it comes to labour-saving devices like microwaves and stuff but I have to admit that the dishwasher has become an essential part of my life in the last ten years. So when ours went on the blink I determined to fix it.

I'm not exactly a whizz around the house but I set to work on the infernal machine right away. I stripped it down, removing various panels, disconnected the wiring, removed the faulty dispenser (with the help of a hammer), installed the new one, cleaned everything up, repaired the seal and put it all together again.

And then I found these two bits of plastic left over.

Now, I don't know what they are nor what they did. They sort of look important in a spectral, vaguely menacing way. Without them in place maybe the machine would flood the whole kitchen. Somewhat nervously I loaded up the dishwasher and flicked the switch. Fortunately it still works. Above all it doesn't leak. I'm hoping that these two components aren't essential to its future wellbeing. A bit like a human appendix.

If you know different - let me know. Preferably with an installation diagram that an idiot can follow.

Anyway, as I write this post I'm listening to the dishwasher humming away happily down in the kitchen. It really is a machine that loves its work. And that mechanical love is emanating throughout the whole house, spreading sweetness and light all around.

So, it took me a while to get there - but you got your happy Post in the end. I just hope you're suitably grateful.


  1. I'm wondering if they are not the element spacers? They hold the element in place.

  2. Anonymous5:02 pm

    I read Matthew's post a couple of days ago and his candid review had the same effect on me. I don't think that I could sit through that amount of suffering.

    Bitsleftover is a bad gremlin and you may find the dishwasher takes on a life of its own in few days!Please be careful!

  3. sand storm I haven't got a clue what you mean but it certainly sounds profound. Unless, that is, you were an electrical repair man in a previous life.

  4. A nice narrative Bill, good style - honest

    A good voice

  5. Anger,
    as black as a hook,
    overtakes me.
    Each day,
    each Nazi
    took, at 8.00 a.m., a baby
    and sautéed him for breakfast
    in his frying pan.

    And death looks on with a casual eye
    and picks at the dirt under his fingernail.

    Man is evil,
    I say aloud.
    Man is a flower
    that should be burnt,
    I say aloud.
    Man is a bird full of mud,
    I say aloud.

    And death looks on with a casual eye
    and scratches his anus.

    Man with his small pink toes,
    with his miraculous fingers
    is not a temple
    but an outhouse,
    I say aloud.
    Let man never again raise his teacup.
    Let man never again write a book.
    Let man never again put on his shoe.
    Let man never again raise his eyes,
    on a soft July night.
    Never. Never. Never. Never. Never.
    I say these things aloud.

    I beg the Lord not to hear.
    –Anne Sexton, “After Auschwitz”

  6. I think one's a transfer-lever-latched tripping cam spacer. The other's a contact block for the overflow-drain solenoid? No, they're bits of a space ship being hidden in the factory by evil government conspiracy plotters from New Mexico? Shrunken and mutilated dishes? You don't suppose they're somekind of sentient appliance waste-product, do you, like .. dishwasher doo-doo? Probably not ...


  7. Yes, Pundy, your humour to blame.
    Sadly, I laughed.
    Now, I'm still smiling.

  8. Anonymous9:34 am


    They're the connectors for the hemispherical pressure sensor relay!

    Without them, the machine could explode if the pressure exceeds 4 bar!!!!

    Not really, fuck knows what they are - probably just put there to piss you off..............

  9. Anonymous9:37 am

    On a more serious note...only got a few lines into the descriptions on Matts blog.....then didn't have the stomach to read on...........I just can't comprehend how these things can be happening..........

  10. Sorry about the graphicness of it then, folks :/ I was quite profoundly upset by the documentary, there wasn't a single measure of gratuititousness about it, mind. What I saw is what I then wrote up. But you know.

    However I think the reason that no-one can comprehend it happening is precisely a reason to watch it. If it was in anyway diluted it'd just join a canon of humanist films that everyone watches, becomes affected by, then forgets when they go and purchase their pizza later that evennig. This one sticks.

    More frighteningly: since putting up that post I've had a *lot* of hits from Africa, via some website or other.

  11. The personification of the dishwasher did it. It produced this smile on my face. Now I shall set about mustering some suitable gratitude.

  12. Actually, I think Nubi - the dog - in Mortal Ghost got it right.

    'The dishwasher was midway through a cycle, chortling ghoulishly to itself. Nubi had taken one look at the machine and retreated again to the garden. Who knew what it might eat next?'

    (Sorry, Pundy, I don't mean to plug my novel; just couldn't resist.)

  13. I can see how I can't have helped either, Pundy.

  14. Thanks for your Comments guys. See my next post wherein I express my thanks for your efforts.

    No sweat, Maxine - you took my mind off my problems with the dishwasher so I'm actually quite grateful.

  15. Anonymous1:10 am

    very grateful indeed, hopefully those pieces don't end up in a 2 feet flood in the kitchen anytime soon.

  16. Hi demarche group - very impressive website you've got. Good luck with your publishing venture.